The Double AA: October 2017

Hello, people. haha it's so awkward. So I want to explain myself why I've been gone for the past few months? (i say few, but my last real post was october last year lol). well sit down, have some tea, and read through (is anyone there to read this? i dont even know lol). I've been using "lol" a lot, no one cares? ok. leggo. lol. ok ill stop.

Well, this past year I guess, was the year where I "feel" like I'm maturing into a young adult? I've opened my eyes to a lot of things, and understood a lot of things, surely regretted a lot of things, it was just a time to reflect and look back on myself. It was a time to distinguish what's good for you and what's pulling you down, I thought I was someone who wouldn't hold their feelings and just live life, but little did I know, I had every little thing affect me and bring me down, but I was a stubborn little girl who thinks she can deal with anything. I was going through an identity crisis. I didn't want to show my weak side, I didn't want to show that I was suffering to anyone, not my family or even my close friends. I would get frustrated at myself because even if I wanted to express my feelings, I couldn't, I wouldn't, I didn't know how to and I was too scared of something. Something was stopping me from doing things I want or saying things I want. Maybe it's because of the pressure in our society, I don't know, I just felt pressured to have to fit in a certain category. Yes, people say be yourself, don't let anyone control you, but that was so hard for me. "be yourself, you'll be fine" is how they say it, but the truth is that when you "be yourself", especially in this society we currently live in, you'll be outcast which is bunch of bs. I wasn't particularly an outcast, I was just not happy with who I was, and how I changed myself to be in this "certain" category.

It was also the time to accept myself to who I was, I reflected on a lot of things, comparing myself a few years back when I was just a little happy kid in my happy little bubble. I guess when I stepped out of my comfort zone and moved to a place which I was not familiar with, making new friends and just adapting to this new environment, it overwhelmed me, I was a clueless 10-year-old girl. Of course, for the first few years, I just lived on like it was nothing, I made friends which I still am good friends with till this day so shoutout to you for staying with my lazy awkward self :). anyways, yes it was good and normal for the first few years. Then, I turned 13, yep the age where you are finally a "teen", from that point everything slowly went downhill without me knowing, I was still clueless.

A few months into my teen years, I don't remember clearly, but somewhere between the end of 2015 and early 2016. I felt distant with the friends I was hanging out with, I felt like I didn't fit in, they were not in the same class that I was in so, I didn't spend as much time as I would like to. Stuff happened, accusations were appointed, everything was just a mess. So I just naturally distance myself from them. I just started hanging out with people that were in my class, and my friends from primary school and we were getting along very well. It was all good up until then, and few months after new years, things were just not going as well, I don't want to go into detail, but bonds between people were on the edge. I was stressed and pressured, I just wanted everything to be at peace, but not everything can go my way, I always wanted to make things better between people. With communication, and seeing each side of the stories, everything was back to normal I guess. This went around for each of my close friends and I was involved in each one, either involved directly or indirectly. 2 years later, everything is back to where it was, we overcame it and didn't give up, rather than breaking our bonds, we strengthen it and held onto each other.

During that time, I didn't focus on my happiness, I just wanted everything to be better, I realised that I wasn't doing all of this because of my happiness, I just wanted to avoid any more conflicts in the future, but I also didn't see the efforts my friends were putting in to making me open up, I was stupid enough to overlook it and just literally think about nothing. I wanted to open up and express myself in any way possible, but I didn't know how to, I don't know what actions show affection.I was just someone who was living off people's happiness to make myself happy, I was very hard on myself, I felt like as if I wasn't good enough no matter how much effort I put into something. I would be the one to say to "express yourself, don't stack it up" but in the end, I was the hypocrite. I felt like my effort didn't show no matter how hard I tried, I didn't want to be a burden to anyone, so I restrained my thoughts and just kept it inside of me. At that time, I didn't know that it would just burst out of nowhere, and I would just shut myself down, I would cry myself to sleep and sometimes I don't even know why. It went to the point where I didn't even want to get myself up for school and even if I did, I would just cry and ask to be sent home. I was also losing myself, I just couldn't be happy, so I went to my school's counsellor and one of my teachers that would understand. Talking with them was a decision that I didn't regret, I rather felt very proud of myself that I was able to talk it out, I was really desperate for help. This went on for a few weeks and I had to go back to Malaysia, for a while, so it was my last hope to get everyone together and enjoy ourselves not thinking about all of the things that happened in the "past". I guess from that point, we all were good again, I was hoping for the best, and so I went back to Malaysia for 3 months.

I spent 3 months in Malaysia, which meant I missed a whole month of school and I spent the summer holidays there. I spent most of the time at home alone because everyone was either at work, at university or I just woke up too late to everything. I spent most of the time actually thinking and how to make myself happy by my own effort, I also talked to my friends, who I have opened up to within the 8 years of our friendship, it felt very good to talk to people who were going through the same thing as me, and just talk about it, let it all out. I listened to their opinions and compared it with my thoughts when I realised that you can't control people's lives, not everything will go your way, you can try but it's a risk to take, you'll end up being selfish and just overlook others. I've found ways to understand people or even myself by going over my day before I go to sleep, I would go to the living room every night, just to have a quiet time by myself, either crying or just lost in my thoughts.

Seeing my family in such a long time was a very memorable moment for me, I would say that I truly felt homesick for the first time, I realise that they're all I have, after all, they've been with me since the day I was born and they're very precious to me. I finally got to see my cousins one whom I missed so much because she attends boarding school, so she doesn't get school holiday that often and one that I don't ever see because she doesn't come back often to the countryside, where my nan from my dad's side is. My cousin got engaged, I met my little nephew and met my cousin in law (I guess lol) for the first time in real life, but we got close very quickly. I had a very good time and for the first time I didn't really want to go back to England, I just missed Malaysia so much and how it feels like living there. My family is there, I didn't feel lonely and it is a country where I truly belong. I spent Eid with my family as a whole in 5 years and I did miss it a lot. The preparations before Eid, the traditions we do, it was so nostalgic, I truly missed our times being a family of 6.

Also, I got into sports and exercising again, it was kind of a stress reliever for me, I would just exercise until I felt relieved and of course dying, cause damn 2 hours of badminton kills. After playing badminton with my mum's friend, who is very sporty and I admire her so much because she exercises to survive basically. Anyways, a morning filled with badminton for 2-3 hours, made my inner sport-self wake up, and having the will to be active again. So, we went to buy badminton racquets and from that on, nearly every single day I would at least do 1-2 hours of badminton with my mum or dad because my siblings have some lazy ass. I was very happy actually, I was doing something that made me feel happy and made me feel me again. When I was little, I used to do so many different sports, I would follow my mum to her swimming lessons and netball lessons, literally every sport my parents played, I would play. What made realise is, I was very different to my 9-year-old self and my current self. I thought about how I changed over the years living here and how I kind of changed myself because of my friends, just because they didn't have the same interests as I did, I wanted to be in a sports' team in school, but they didn't, so I stopped going to the after-school clubs, it sounds kind of stupid but I do enjoy being active and playing sports. Anyhow, I don't really play sports that much now, cause I don't have anyone to play with so I just do light exercise at home or have a little walk before sunsets.

Recently, I started on bullet journaling, haven't been keeping it with it that much though, but I got myself to finish a month spread, so I feel very proud. I just need some inspirations for future spread and who knows I might put some of my spreads here meh..~ Oh and I also started going to the library to basically study by myself cause I'm not exactly in school right now, just on the waiting list for school but it's most likely I'll probably be back in Malaysia or in another country by the end of the year or in March, I'm not sure yet. I think I've said everything I wanted, so I think this will be the end of this post and hopefully, I don't disappear for another year lol. Right now, I'm just on the road to make myself happy and be a little happy kid with my precious family and friends. I'm grateful to have friends by my side who I can rely on and I'm very thankful to those who are still with me even after all the shenanigans we've been through. Well, thank you for taking your precious time to read my long ass post, sorry if this was too long lol and I'll see you again :) oh and i turned 15 lol recently. bai

Song Suggestion(s)-

1) My beautiful boys came back with their new album:

Love Yourself: 承 'Her'